The prisoner was in solitary confinement — again. During midday meal he stole food off someone else's tray and talked back to the guard who reprimanded him. Out in the yard, he assaulted another inmate. The warden, beginning to view 246-01 as incorrigible, ordered him to the hole for a week.

In another part of town, the clock was ticking down, and the home team was only a few points behind. The coach raised his hands in the familiar T-formation, signaling for a time-out. His team needed time to regroup and strategize before reentering the action. They conferred, the captain chose a play that capitalized on their strength and they went on to win the game.

As parents, we like to think we are coaches, but sometimes we feel and act like wardens. We find ourselves barking orders, meting out punishments and operating in an antagonistic, controlling manner toward our children. We may be using the sports phrase time-out, but we are applying the solitary confinement methods of the penal system. What can we do to transform ourselves back into parents and turn our children from recidivists into winners?

First, we must recognize that the time-out is not an all-purpose tool. If it were their only strategy, the team would never, ever win. Athletes need plays to move them forward and ones to counter their opposition. Parents need skills for encouraging children and procedures for responding to misbehavior. The time-out is just one technique. Reflective listening, problem solving, humor, limit setting, choices, encouragement, natural and logical consequences, family meetings and responsibilities are some of the others in the parents' play book. Many have been covered in articles in Washington Parent, including in the "Ages and Stages" column. Like the time-out in sports, family time-outs pause the action and create an opportunity to refocus and change directions. When emotions are running high, and folks are too upset to think clearly and act rationally, a cooling-off period is in order. It could be for either the parent or the child. In fact, parents sometimes put children in time-out when they themselves actually need the breather. Parents who say to their children, "I am feeling upset and angry right now. I need some quiet time to calm down before we talk about what happened," are accomplishing three things. They are stopping themselves from being reactive and doing something destructive. They are modeling a useful life skill that leads to responsible, thoughtful behavior and encourages self-discipline. And they are taking away the taint of punishment by showing that time-outs are used by anyone.

Talking About Time-Outs

Time-outs for children should be applied the same way that adults use them. Imagine if a spouse or boss said, "Go to your room/office and think about what you just did! You can come out after 34 minutes (because you're 34 years old)." We would probably spend the time contemplating how to exact revenge or leave the marriage or job. Humiliation and shame are as ineffective in motivating children to change in positive ways as they are with adults.

On the other hand, if someone said to us, "You seem upset. Take some time for yourself before we tackle this problem," it would be much more appealing. We might use that time to calm down, to constructively reflect on what happened and consider possible useful actions to take. This is the situation we want to create for our children. We want to support them in moving toward self-ownership where they can recognize when they would benefit from their own time-outs and then, on their own initiative, claim the time and space for themselves.

Parent and child should start by talking together during a quiet moment about these cooling-off periods. The parent explains that the purpose is not to punish, but to take some time to pull it together. Our feelings and behaviors signal to us when we could benefit from a time-out — when we are feeling very frustrated, furious or violent, or when our behavior is out of control. The time-out lasts as long as the person taking it needs — until he reaches the point where he feels better and is able to think clearly and behave appropriately. Time-outs of arbitrary, predetermined durations shift the focus from the child taking care of his emotions to the policing parent.

During the planning discussion, parent and child decide together where the child will withdraw to and what will help him feel ready to "get back into the game." The child should take the lead in creating the space. Again, it is not a prison cell, but instead a safe and secure place for renewal, with comforting objects, such as a favorite stuffed animal, books to read, a place to nap or quiet activities, that will help him feel better. With younger children, a specifically created "cozy corner" is a good idea, but as the child matures, he can use different places at different moments, depending on his needs. It could be his room or perhaps an armchair in the corner of the den, or even somewhere outside to toss a ball or take a walk.

When the child is out of control — and young children tend to have faulty brakes — the parent can say, "It looks like you could use a few minutes in the cozy corner. Would you like to go alone or would you like me to come with you?" Most young children do not know how to calm or soothe themselves, so it is appropriate for the parent to be available. A snuggle on Mom's lap or a story from Dad will replace the out-of-control behavior with a positive interaction and reinforce the child's feelings of security and value.

Once children understand time-out, they can be given a choice. "Would you like to behave respectfully or would you like to go to your cozy corner (or your room) to give yourself a breather? If you decide to go to the cozy corner, do something that helps you feel better. When you feel better and are ready to rejoin us, come back." If the child is young and does not make the choice, the parent can gently but firmly take him by the hand and say, "I see you've chosen to go to the cozy corner. Let me help you." With older children, after presenting the choice, parents cannot force children to withdraw. That would only exacerbate the situation and provoke a major power struggle. However, parents can extricate themselves, changing the dynamics and "taking the wind out of their child's sail."

Teen Time-Outs

Teenager time-outs are more like those practiced by adults. One cannot command a teen to take one, but it can be suggested. The parent might say, "Would you like to take some time for yourself right now? Maybe go someplace quiet or out for a walk?" Then the parent removes herself, not checking to see what the teen does. This keeps the parent out of the teenager's concerns and reinforces the teenager's autonomy.

Away from Home

Emotional storms and out-of-control behavior often arise when we are away from home. In that case, any quiet place away from the precipitating situation can help. The family car in a parking lot, the lawn beside a restaurant or the changing lounge in a mall have all been used. In these situations, children should always be accompanied by an adult.

Parents often lose it themselves when their child is out of control. Just as the airlines advise passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before assisting others, parents should take a moment for themselves first, if they need it. This is possible even if the child cannot be left safely alone for those few minutes. Taking a deep breath, donning headphones, focusing thoughts and not giving attention to the child's misbehaviors can be a form of personal time-out, even with a child in the room.

When the child decides he is ready to return, the parent asks if he feels better now and welcomes him back. If he continues to act out, he might need more time. Or it could be a signal that it is time to change the environment. If out visiting, at a restaurant or a store, it might be time to go home. If at home, maybe it's time for parents to come up with a different activity. Is the child tired, hungry or overstimulated? The parent should consider what to do to support the child in his effort to self-soothe.

After the emotional tidal wave has subsided, parent and child can discuss what happened. While the child may still be feeling some of his original emotions, it is important that the parent is calm and not vulnerable to having emotional buttons pushed. In their discussion, the parent should help the child identify or name his emotions. For example, a parent could say, "It looks like you were feeling pretty furious with your brother and with me. Am I right?" The parent could then express empathy for the child's situation and feelings. "If I had just had my favorite toy snatched by my brother, I would be furious, too." Finally, they should engage in problem solving. Toddlers and preschoolers can be offered simple, limited choices, while older children can handle a more involved discussion with creative brainstorming followed by strategizing. With children of all ages, the parent should remember to be encouraging and to express confidence in the child's ability to handle things.

When parents act like coaches, not wardens, and the time-out is viewed as a constructive tool rather than a punishment, both parent and child win. Parents take care of their own emotions, and children learn self-discipline, lifelong self-soothing skills and positive tools for handling problems. The family spends less time in destructive conflict and has more time, energy and goodwill to build on.

Annie Scheiner is the Communications Coordinator at PEP and the mother of three children.

Parents:

• Parents need breathers, too.
  
• "I am feeling angry right now and need a moment to myself to calm down. Then I will be ready to give you attention or talk about the problem."

Toddlers:

• Children under age 2 1/2 are too young to be sent to time-out.
  
• They can be removed from the source of their frustration or anger and soothed, comforted or redirected.

Preschoolers:

• Parent and child together set up a comfortable, soothing "cozy corner."
  
• "You're really upset now (acting out of control). It's time for some quiet time in the cozy corner until you feel better."
  
• "Do you want to go alone or would you like me to come with you?" Some preschoolers self-soothe alone while others need/want a parent with them.
  
• Afterward, help children identify their feelings.

School-age children:

• "I see that you are upset (or your behavior is out of control). Would you like to take some quiet time alone, or do you think you are able to stay here and behave appropriately?"
  
• If the child does not make a choice, or if he says he chooses to stay but continues to act out, "I see that you have chosen to go to the cozy corner." Firmly and gently take the child.
  
• Always conclude with, "As soon as you feel better — and you get to decide when that is — you can rejoin us."
  
• Follow up later with problem solving.

Tweens:

• "I see that you are upset and acting out. Do you think it would help if you went to your quiet area and took some time to calm down?"
  
• If the tween chooses not to withdraw, then the parent should leave.
  
• Afterward, offer to problem solve.

Teenagers:

• Teenagers decide whether or not to take a time-out, just as adults do.
  
• The parent suggests, "You seem upset. Would you like to go for a walk or to another quiet place?" and then the parent removes herself.
  
• Keep communication channels open.

Everyone:

• Be encouraging.
  
• Express confidence in the child's ability to handle things.